Day 11

The young ladies were sort of mad at me so they cozied up to Ben on the sofa instead of with me on the floor. Kind of sad about this, but actually I needed the space. Realizing I was perpetuating this feeling of "poor me", separation -- and honestly I felt miles away from most things good. That sucked. So I began mentally playing with what is truly one of my all time favorite qualities: flexibility. Supported by that night's centering thought...

I attempted to let my cerebral analysis of the sorry scene shift from hurt (they didn't "choose" me) to glad they were giving me some space. From self-blame (why am I such an a**hole) to gratitude for Ben, who typically steps up and effortlessly offers the calm, sweet space our girls need when I can't give it to them. Then, tried to peek out of my self-absorbed little hole to a broader consideration of the other three people in the room. The room itself. Nice room. Warm fire. Cave woman truncation. Maybe they were so happy and settled "over there" that my black temper wasn't as infectious as I had assumed? The gradual settling, the flow, the end of another day. That we were sitting and doing this despite what never feels like opportune conditions; the silence we all contributed to creating and maintaining ... the boundless space I can give to myself when I shift from out of myopic viewpoint and into the broader vista. How can I let go more?

Hell. We aren't being bombed. We are not hungry. There is safety and connection here. We say "I love you" often enough so it's the norm -- not a consolation, or back peddling into making nice. There are days when I have absolutely no, NO problems whatsoever and enough time, space, joy, resources and energy to do everything I want to do.

...there are 100 billions neurons in our brains waiting for our cue, our efforts, to jump to something that makes our days a little better. Neuroplasticity is powerful science. Remember that old Cherokee Proverb? There is a battle of two wolfs inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth. The wolf that wins if the one you feed.
The one that wins is the one you feed.