Decisions to Be: Grateful

Since that last post I’ve felt gratitude, and I’ve felt not so much gratitude. For several moments I have been down on myself: I thought I was schizophrenic, or too moody. Was I really grateful, or what that a bunch of lip service? Where does being grateful go when it “goes away”?

I want to remind myself today that above all else, gratitude is a choice. And it’s a gift. And it’s closely related to the word grace, also a gift, also free. Both will get you back to feeling good in no time. And when things are looking bleak, it really helps to remember that we choose to be, or not to be, grateful.

There are two speeds in my life I’m interested in looking at this morning: the speed of my moods and emotional states, and the speed of the actual circumstances I encounter in my life. For the most part, and save the occasional drastic shift of life events, circumstances move slowly. They involve mass, inertia, other people; they are physical and dense and seem more or less “set”.

Circumstances can be things like a partner, a job, a home, mortgage payment schedule, your childrens’ personalities — and usually they don’t change, or not quickly at least. But moods do, and do again. My moods fly around fast like little birds, hopping from one tree to another, her feeder, his day-old bread, flitting from one neighborhood to the next, one view to the next. Does this sound familiar: I love my partner, I hate my partner. I am patient with my children, I am not patient with my children. I can afford to go out to lunch. No, no I shouldn’t go out to lunch. I am happy in my home, it’s perfect. I want to move; this place is too small for us. My moods migrate from one expansive emotional territory to another, and they’re as light — or as dark — as air. Quick. I move through them relatively fast, and I often don’t even know what causes, sustains or changes them.

I can (and have tried) to blame my crazy moods on my circumstances…but this logic is increasingly failing me, and this morning I’m getting hit over the head with this realization once again. Often times, the exact same circumstances that may piss me off on Tuesday can give offer peace and joy tomorrow morning. So it’s more and more clear to me that my moods and how I feel about things aren’t actually a direct by-product of my outer circumstances. The circumstances, remember, are SLOW, SAME. My moods are FAST, CHANGING. So what’s going on here?

This is the nature of the mind. The mind — maybe not yours, but mine — loves to get its panties in a wad about stuff. I remember how excited I was as a kid when I was allowed to get a soda at some fast food place. My favorite soda flavor was the suicide. Remember that? It was every flavor: Coke, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Root Beer, Diet Coke (maybe), Lemonade. All in one cup. Totally gross, and yes: we called this a suicide. What an interesting name! A little of everything in one cup = suicide. This is what I feel like when I’m all over the place, spinning out, trying every flavor, compiling it all in one cup to drink. Enjoyable? Tasty? Not sure. Does feeling and thinking a hundred different thoughts which cancel themselves out and contradict one another taste delicious. I think not. The mind can make me feel crazy if I let it. To the inner state of peace that’s ever waiting just under the turbulence of my monkey monkey thoughts, it must feel a lot like a murder…

What I’m aware of, and what I’m practicing on any given day, is that I COULD, theoretically, choose to find something to be grateful for. No matter how my circumstances appear, no matter how they may compare to hers or his…I could choose to be grateful.

This morning, I’m grateful for an empty house. Some time to drink my coffee in silence. An allotted space in which to do my creative work, and get organized. The same things that put me into a black temper last evening, two afternoons ago, etc. haven’t gone away. But what were they again? Rather than feeling crazy, I will just assume that this is the mind’s play…the ongoing drama…that we’re all eventually going to see for what it’s worth. Mind stuff. Fluff. Ego. Me stepping out of the mystery, the miracle, and thinking that I’ve got how it “is” dialed.

God: let’s hope not.

I am grateful for perspective, choice and space today.

Peek up through something in your way and take a moment and ask yourself what you’re grateful for? Just one small thing can help turn the corner. It’s a choice, and a [FREE] gift.