Showing Up, Crying Babies, What's Your Limit? Take Ten.

Just went back after the call: “Mama, Help Me -- !!”. This among Phoebe’s few clear expressions…well, not really but the babe still not talking a ton. She still seems so young to me! Like a little one. High vibrating, faster than me, Willoree, Ben…fast. Hummingbird purple speedy swift BIRD Phoebe fast. I go back. Hold her hand in the now dark night. Tuck her in for the 100^th time. She holds my hand fast to her heart. "My mommy. My mommy." She says. I tear up. And hold her so steady. And just kind of hang with the wisdom and knowledge that yes, I am her mommy. HUGE. Fucking HUGE. What does that even mean? I'm still learning what it means to have a mom.

And Willoree’s mommy, too! Now, a few years ago. That day that I was a total raging asshole, the day I was the best mom in the world…all these days. And all the days to come. What an occasion, to be showing in a life as MOTHER.

And I just cried a quiet little cry in that moment and was glad that I decided to come back and hold her hand and tell her, yes. I’m your mommy. Forever and ever and ever and ever. There was a shared moment. I felt the cortisol decrease on both our parts. Like and renewal of a love contract: an “I do” between mother and daughter. And all the frustration of a child who just won’t go the fuck to sleep melted away and now –

Of course!

She’s quiet. Oh, the irony.

Please note: this isn’t a recipe for quieting a child. Believe me. I’ve done these moves before and it hasn’t “worked”; kid’s either still screaming or I’ve been much, much more impatient and angrier than I am now. This is a story about an occasionally reluctant and OMG I NEED SOME ME TIME mother sharing a personal narrative about putting aside her own agenda once again...when I don't think I can do it ONE more time...and just showing up. So simple. I just showed up. Something happened, call it grace, call it? And I bet you've all had your moments JUST like these.

Ben is a master at this, by the way. MASTER.